| How to Drive Your Wife Crazy
Start
asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning and
laundry. Say, I think its time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just
in case.
Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure its real greasy. Use every
pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything
everywhere.
While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at
the sink and then at the mirror.
Never ask her to get you something from
the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there
and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me
a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today."
Be
sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes
hamper.
Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything
else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in close and
say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"
Put
on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she
tries to change the channel and say, "Damn it, you know how much I looked forward
to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
Wait until she is totally engrossed
in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk
about it. Be sure its as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable
urges for her favorite sin foods. (Most effective between 8-10 PM) When she repeatedly
declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh stop it! A little X isn't going
to hurt you."
Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey,
you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
Keep
calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans
to make for dinner. Make sure your just not in the mood for whatever she's making.
When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white
sneakers.
When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger
in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow
the article to slip off.
Tell her something for the first time and act
shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve
to say I never listen to YOU."
When you know she's grocery shopping,
disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the
receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when she
says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
When ogling
a woman say, "Sure she's gorgeous, but remember she's young. I remember when you
looked good too."
On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting
mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
As your stomach grows
just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Then brag that unlike
your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear
and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot and I need new ones."
Always leave the shower head at just the right angle to hit her in the face
with that jet of cold water when she turns it on.
Wait until she has
repeatedly told you something. Come home shortly after and say, X (women's name
most effective but could be suicidal) just gave me the best advice and repeat
word for word.
When doing filthy jobs around the house be sure to wear
your good clothes.
Harass her into telling people a story and proceed
to interrupt every other sentence with, "No, that's not what.........."
Whenever something is ready to break make sure your wife is the next to use it.
When it breaks, look at her and say, "What the hell did you do. I never had a
problem with it."
Even though the water is yellow and foamy, swear you
flushed the toilet.
Whenever the dog, cat, or the kids are being cute
they're yours. When they need something, they're hers.
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