| A Week at the Gym
For Christmas this
year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club.
Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high
school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made
reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic
I was to get started.
Day 1.
They suggest I keep this "exercise
diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to
get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for
me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile.
She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next
to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics
class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already
aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is
going to be GREAT.
Day 2.
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me
out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron
bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were
a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made
it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT.
Day 3.
The only way I can
brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth
back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen.
Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other
club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention
of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't
imagine anything worse.
Day 4.
Tanya was waiting for me with her
vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it
took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a
chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's
room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing
machine. It sank.
Day 5.
I hate Tanya more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was
any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it
would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't
have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells.
I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU
are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like
crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
studies?
Day 6.
Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering
where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight
hours of the weather channel.
Day 7.
Well, that's the week. Thank
God that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more
fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's. |
